5 Healing Practices to Help You Forgive, Be Forgiven, and Set Yourself Free

By Alan Lowis.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. It doesn’t mean pretending you weren’t hurt. And it doesn’t mean what happened was okay.

What it does mean—when it’s real—is this:

You’ve decided your peace matters more than your pain.

You’ve chosen to be open to a life free of resentment, shame, or guilt.

You’ve chosen to grow and embrace a better tomorrow.

These practices are designed to help you:

• Forgive someone who hurt you and let go of the pain of the past

• Ask for forgiveness in a way that’s real and healing

• Forgive yourself for something you regret

• Break cycles of blame and silent suffering

• Release what you can’t control and reclaim your inner peace
  

You can do them in any order, at your own pace, and return to them whenever you need.

Each one is a doorway back to peace, love, and freedom.

Before you begin you will find it very helpful to read this article:

The Power of Forgiveness: A Path to Healing and Freedom

The 5 Healing Practices

✍️ 1. The Letter You’ll Never Send

Write a letter to the person you need to forgive.

Say it all—what happened, how it made you feel, what it cost you.

Don’t hold back.

Then, write the words:

“I forgive you.

Not because you deserve it.

But because I deserve peace.”

You don’t need to send it.

You can burn it. Bury it. Bless it.

This practice isn’t for them.

It’s for you.

2. The Empty Chair (Two Healing Paths)

What if you were the one who was hurt—and the apology never came?

No ownership. No remorse. Just silence. Denial. Or blame that made the pain even worse.

It’s one of the hardest truths to face:

The person who harmed you may never admit it. They may never understand. Never say sorry. Never offer the words you deserve to hear.

But you can still heal. You can still be whole. You don’t need their apology to rewrite your story. You don’t need their permission to let go.

This practice is a way back to your power—not your pain.

But before we begin, a note of care:

This is not about re-opening the wound. It’s not about shouting into an empty room or reliving your suffering. It’s about rising above it—with strength, compassion, and choice.

It’s about facing what happened from a grounded place— where you are no longer the small or silenced one.

If you are working with a therapist, coach, or counselor, this practice can be even more effective with their assistance and guidance. If you choose to practice it on your own make sure you are truly ready and are standing in your strength before beginning.

From that place, you can choose to do one of two things:

1. Understand what might have caused someone to cause harm to you—not to excuse, but to release. Or,

2. Hear the apology you want to hear—even if they may never say it.

Both paths are ways to reclaim your voice and restore your peace. Neither requires anything from them. Everything begins and ends within your control. You have the power.

🧭 Before You Begin: Choose Your Healing Path

Pause. Place your hand on your heart. Breathe slowly. And ask yourself—gently, honestly:

“What does my heart need most right now?” “Will it serve me to understand what might have caused the harm?”

or "Will it serve me to hear the apology I never received?”

There is no right or wrong answer. There is only the path that brings the most peace in this moment.

Choose one  or both of the following:

🌿 Path One: Understanding the Pain

If you long to understand—not to excuse, but to soften— If you want to see the humanity behind the harm, and glimpse what may have shaped them, choose this path. It’s for those who feel ready to explore the deeper wound behind the wounder—and in doing so, loosen the grip of the pain.

Say quietly to yourself: “I choose understanding. I choose to see the pain behind the pain.”

Then move into Path One.

🌿 Path Two: Receiving the Apology You Deserved

If what you needed most was acknowledgment—

If you long to hear the words they never gave,

If your heart is waiting for someone to simply own it and say, “You didn’t deserve that. And I’m sorry”— This path is for you.

Say quietly to yourself: “I choose to receive the apology I deserved. I choose to be free.”

Then move into Path Two.

Once you've chosen, remember...

You are not here to relive your pain. You are here to reclaim your power and your freedom and your peace.

And for either or both paths, you can do the following:

Imagine—not the person at their worst— but the part of them that wishes they could make it right.

Imagine the version of them that is sorry.

The version that knows they hurt you, truly regrets it, and wishes they could undo it. The version that doesn’t want anything from you— only to take back the pain they caused, only to do whatever they could to make it right.

Take a breath. Stand or sit up tall.

Let strength guide you. Let compassion surprise you. Let healing be yours.

And prepare to speak out loud, or if you choose only with the quiet internal voice of strength.

🗣 What Do You Speak?

This is not about reliving the pain. It’s not about revisiting the past in vivid detail. It’s about naming the truth—from a place of strength, not suffering.

You don’t have to say exactly what happened. You don’t need to describe the events or retell the story. That’s not the purpose.

Instead, speak as an observer. From distance. From clarity.

You might say things like:

“What happened caused harm.” “It wasn’t okay.” “It hurt me.” “It should not have happened.” “I deserved better.” “That was not right.”

You are not here to suffer again. You are here to witness the truth—without shrinking, without rage, and without fear.

To stand strong in your knowing. To reclaim your power by naming what was wrong. Without reliving it. Without reabsorbing it. Without giving it more of your life.

🌿 Path One: Understanding the Pain

When hurt we often ask, “Why would they do this?” or “Why did they do this to me? 

And often without a helpful or meaningful answer, we suffer.  

But imagine, just for this moment, that the person before you is sorry.

Truly sorry, and really does want to take away your pain.  

That they wish—not to defend, not to excuse—

but simply to explain.

Not to justify what they did, but to help you see the wound behind the wounder.  And not for their sake, but for yours.

To serve you and to help answer the questions your heart has been asking.

Imagine them saying something like the following:

"I am so sorry. I have no excuse. Only explanation and I remain responsible for what I did wrong. I was broken.

I allowed my pain to cause you pain.

I didn’t know how to control myself. It wasn't about you. You didn't deserve it. I was drowning—I was lost. I was angry and afraid. I was weak. And in that weakness I did things that were wrong.  Things that I never should have done. Things that caused you harm that never should have happened. I should have known better, been better, done better. I failed you and I failed myself. Nothing I say or do can excuse it. It was wrong. I was wrong.

And for that, for all of it, I am truly sorry.

I wish I could undo it.

I wish I could carry, take away and bear your pain.

I know I cant, but I would, if I could

I'm sorry."

Often, hurt people hurt people. Wounded people wound people.

Not because they intend to—but because pain, untreated, grows sharp edges.

Because fear, unhealed, grows into violence, betrayal, or abandonment.

Try to imagine with understanding and mercy, a father who leaves his family, not because he doesn't love them, but because he feels so deeply unworthy he believes he will only fail them or ruin them if he stays.

Try to imagine with understanding and mercy, a mother who lashes out with cruelty, because rage is the only language her painful and cruel life ever taught her.

Try to imagine with understanding and mercy, a friend who betrays a friend, because they were taught long ago that loyalty was punished and survival meant taking.

Try to glimpse what might have shaped them and driven them to do what they did - recognizing that even though it felt personal, and caused harm to someone, that it really had little to do with the person harmed, and almost everything to do with the unprocessed, unmanaged emotions and unhealed pain of the person causing the harm..

In blind rage, people often say or do terrible things even to those closest to them - things that feel very personal in the moment. 

But the cause was the blind rage - the source of which was invariably their pain from their past, not you.

Understanding does not erase the harm.

It doesn’t excuse it. It does not mean what happened was okay.

But sometimes, when we can glimpse the wounded child inside the wounding adult, something inside us softens.

And hearing them explain their pain often allow us to feel something deeper than hurt or anger.

Pity. Mercy. Then Forgiveness.

And while forgiveness can be for them, it's not primarily for them. It's for ourselves.

Because understanding, mercy, forgiveness and ultimately grace, is how we set ourselves free fro the pains of the past.

It's how we the peace to embrace and create the beautiful future we actually deserve.

🌿 Path Two: Receiving the Apology You Deserved, But Not In The Way You Expected It

Sometimes, what hurts most isn’t just what was done—but what was never said after...

The apology that never came.

The acknowledgment that was never given.

The love, respect, or remorse we longed for—but never received.

Imagine the person who hurt you sitting in that chair -

Not at their worst,

Not justifying,

Not defensive.

But open.

Regretful and truly sorry for hurting you.

Ready to say what your heart needs to hear.

Offering you the apology they previously couldn’t or wouldn’t give.

The one your heart has longed for.

The one you thought you needed to release yourself from the pain.

Hear them speak—not to win you back, not to excuse their actions—but simply to give you what they never could before: responsibility, empathy, regret and the desire to help you heal and take back or take away the pain.

Imagine them saying, step by step:

• “I see what I did. I know I caused you pain.”
  

• “It wasn’t your fault. It was mine.”
  

• "I understand how deeply it hurt you and wish I could go back and undo it"
  

• "I am truly sorry—not because I face consequences, but because you suffered because of me."
  

• “If I could undo it, I would. I know I can’t. But I am willing to move mountains to make it right.”
  

• "I am changing. I will not cause this kind of pain again to you or anyone."
  

• “You deserved love. You deserved protection. You deserved better. And I am sorry I didn’t give it.”

See, hear and feel whatever words and emotions that will make you feel better. They are giving you the apology - not to receive forgiveness - but to heal you.

Hear those words. Let them find the wounded places inside you. Let them bring light.

Even if that person never says these things, you can still receive them now. You can still choose to hear them.

You can still let them serve your healing. You can choose to heal now.

Because this apology is not for them.

It’s for you.

Say aloud—if you can, or in your heart:

"Even though they never spoke these words directly, I receive the apology. I release the pain, I allow the healing. I claim healing. I set myself free."

Forgiveness is not about forgetting, it's about letting go and about being free.

You deserve that freedom.

And it begins with a choice—a choice you can make today.

🌀 3. Ho'oponopono – A Hawaiian Healing Ritual

Ho'oponopono means "to make right"—to restore harmony and balance.

In traditional Hawaiian culture, it was practiced as a communal healing ceremony. Families would gather when conflict or pain had broken trust. Through guided conversation, confession, repentance, forgiveness, and gratitude, they would clear the burdens between them—so peace could be restored.

Today, Ho'oponopono is also practiced individually, as a powerful internal cleansing It recognizes that forgiveness isn't just about others.

It's about clearing the painful echoes we carry within ourselves.

The ritual is simple but profound:

You repeat these four phrases, slowly and with feeling:

I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.

You can say it to yourself. You can say it for someone you are holding pain around. Or even to the younger version of yourself who is still carrying old wounds.

You can also say it directly to someone you wish to apologize to.

Each phrase carries its own healing when said from the heart:

• I’m sorry — acknowledging harm, even unintended and being accountable.
  

• Please forgive me — humbling ourselves and opening the door to grace.
  

• Thank you — expressing true appreciation and gratitude that we are accepted as we are
  

• I love you — because unconditional positive regard, true love has the power to heal

  
  

Say the words slowly.

Softly.

Let the words flow through your heart like waves softening stone. Each repetition helps cleanse old hurt, restore connection, and create space for new beginnings.

You don’t need to force it, just feel it. Just say the words from your heart—and let healing begin.

🧠 4. Rewriting the Story – A Self-Forgiveness Ritual

We all have moments we wish we could take back:

Words we spoke in anger.

Promises we broke.

Times we acted from fear, weakness, or pain—and hurt someone else… or ourselves.

Often, it's not the memory of what we did itself that chains us.

It's the meaning we attach to it. It's the judgment:

"I am bad."

"I don't deserve forgiveness."

"I will always be broken."

But the truth is simpler, and more hopeful:

You are not your worst moment. You are more than your mistakes. You can can learn, you can grow, and you can make it right.

Self-Forgiveness Isn’t Self-Indulgence

Let’s be clear: forgiving yourself doesn’t mean excusing what happened.

It doesn’t mean erasing responsibility.

And it definitely doesn’t mean pretending it didn’t matter.

It means taking full ownership—then choosing to grow.

It means acknowledging the harm without shame, learning from it, and committing to live differently moving forward.

This ritual is not about dumping all your regrets onto the page and drowning in guilt.

It's about choosing one memory at a time and walking it through a healing process - for you, and for the person you hurt.

You will:

• Remember the moment with honesty, not judgment.

  
  

• Understand the truth behind your actions—not excuses, but compassion.
  

• Forgive yourself for being imperfect—and recognize your responsibility to grow.
  

• Commit to how you have grown (or will grow).
  

• Act to Heal - Apologize from the Heart: do your best to make right the wrong for the one you harmed
  

This starts inside yourself — by remembering that even if you acted badly, it was not because you were evil, but because you were in pain, confusion, fear, or lack.

As we explored in the Power of Forgiveness: When people act out of pain, it does not excuse the harm. They are responsible—and so are we. Responsibility is not condemnation. It is the sacred acknowledgment that we must grow beyond our past actions.

It continues beyond your self, toward those you harmed — by offering real amends.

Self-forgiveness cannot be complete if we leave wounds in others unaddressed.

We must reach out when possible and offer a true apology—one that includes:

• Acknowledging the harm was real • Acknowledging that we caused it • Understanding and empathizing with the pain we caused • Expressing genuine sorrow for their suffering—not just for our consequences • Offering to make amends, however we can • Showing visible change and a commitment to never repeat the harm • Accepting that forgiveness is a gift—not a right—and rebuilding trust takes time

You cannot force anyone to forgive you. You cannot undo the past.

But you can live today—and every day—on a path of honor, truth, and love.

Each time you walk a regret through this process, you loosen the grip of shame. You turn guilt into growth. You turn regret into redemption.

And you build a life worthy of the soul you are becoming.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean erasing the past. It means rewriting the meaning we attach to it.

This ritual isn’t about dumping all your regrets on the page. It's about carefully, consciously rewriting each story so that it serves your growth, not your shame.

Here’s how to do it:

✍️ Step 1: Choose One Regret or Wrong or Harm or Error you have made.

Example:

• "I said something cruel to someone I loved when I was angry."

✍️ Step 2: Write the Truth of the Moment

Underneath the regret, there is usually a human truth:You were doing the best you could, with what you knew, with the resources you had.

Write something like:

• "At that moment, I was hurting too. I didn’t have the skills to manage my emotions better."

• "I didn't have the clarity or strength I have now."

• "I was reacting from fear, confusion, or pain—not malice."

(If you can't believe this yet, write a bridge:"I'm learning to believe I was doing the best I could at the time.")

✍️ Step 3: Offer Yourself Forgiveness

Write a statement of forgiveness to yourself.

Examples:

• "I forgive myself for not knowing what I didn’t yet know."

• "I forgive myself for acting out of fear instead of love."

• "I forgive myself for being human, imperfect, and still learning."

You are not excusing yourself. You are releasing yourself from endless punishment.  You had the resources you had at the time and are choosing to become more resourceful going forward.

✍️ Step 4: Acknowledge Growth (andCommit to It)

Reflect:

• How have you grown since then?

• What would you do differently now?
  

Examples:

• "Today, I can pause before speaking in anger."

• "Today, I recognize when I’m overwhelmed and ask for help."
  

If you haven't grown yet, commit to the growth:

• "I am learning emotional mastery."

• "I am committed to acting from love, even when triggered."

This transforms regret from pain into positive momentum - into fuel that brings change and growth..

✍️ Step 5: Take Healing Action - Make a Real Apology.

We must reach out when possible and offer a true apology—one that includes:

• Acknowledging the harm was real • Acknowledging that we caused it • Understanding and empathizing with the pain we caused • Expressing genuine sorrow for their suffering—not just for our consequences • Offering to make amends, however we can • Showing visible change and a commitment to never repeat the harm • Accepting that forgiveness is a gift—not a right—and rebuilding trust takes time

and understanding that just because we are forgiven doesn't mean things will always return to the way there were. There still can be consequences for us because we are responsible for our actions even when sorry.

✏️ Important Note:

Sometimes, the harm we caused was long ago. Sometimes the person has moved on, or the relationship is over. Sometimes reaching out could reopen wounds that have already begun to heal.

Amends must be made when they truly serve the person harmed—not when they are simply to ease our own guilt.

If speaking the apology aloud could harm more than heal:

• Write the apology privately.

• Speak it in a prayer or meditation.

• Feel the sorrow, the responsibility, and the wish to make it right.

• Offer it to God, or to life itself, or to their soul from a distance.
  

Sometimes, the greatest love we can give is to honor their healing journey silently—without dragging them back into old pain.

Apologize outwardly when it heals. Apologize inwardly when it would harm. But always, always, take full responsibility when you have done wrong while remembering to be merciful towards yourself and others.

🧭 5. The “Compassion for the ‘Criminal’” Reflection

(For those carrying deep regret or shame)

Some wounds we carry… are the ones we caused.Some pain we hold… is because we were the one who broke something sacred.

Maybe you lied.

Maybe you betrayed.

Maybe you lashed out, or walked away when someone needed you most.

Maybe you crossed a line so deeply… that even you can't understand how you got there.

Or maybe you did something that can never be undone.

Maybe the harm was so great, so permanent, that it feels like there is no path back.

Let’s name this clearly:

There are things we do that are not okay. There are choices that cause irreparable harm.

There are moments that split a life into before and after.

And yet—You are not your worst moment.

You are not frozen in that chapter, unless you choose to stay there.

You are not beyond redemption, unless you refuse to seek it.

✧ This Practice Is Not About Excuse or Escape

This is not about minimizing the harm.It’s not about washing away consequences or avoiding responsibility.

This is about one thing: Reclaiming your humanity—

So that even if you can’t undo the harm,you stop creating more—

And start building something worthy of the life you still have left.

🛤️ A Gentle Path Toward Redemption

Begin with stillness.

Sit quietly.

Breathe deeply.

And now look from the distance —not the full pain or replay of events—at moment where you crossed the line.

You were as you were, with the past you lived, the pains you held, the fears that gripped you and you took actions that somewhere inside you you know, without question were wrong, and that at your core you regret deeply - so much so that it's painful to event think about it.

Now ask this quietly, gently, honestly:

“If someone else had lived my exact life…with my same childhood, my same wounds, my same fears, beliefs, and emotional tools (or lack thereof) …wouldn't they have likely done what I did as well?”

If you answer truthfully, you may find that the path to your actions was NOT born of evil… but of ignorance, fear, confusion, desperation, or pain.

That does not make it okay.

That does not excuse it or justify it.

But it can help you see how you got there—

And more importantly, how you never have to go there again.

⚖️ You Cannot Erase the Past — But You Can Rewrite the Future

You cannot take back what was done. You may carry the consequences for the rest of your life. You may owe amends that can never be fully repaid.

But your soul is not beyond saving. You are not beyond redemption.

Because accountability does not mean self-condemnation.

Because punishment alone doesn’t lead to healing—but transformation might.

Because even in the ashes of your worst choices, a better self can rise.

🌱 From Condemnation to Contribution

The question is no longer:

“How do I erase what I’ve done?”

You can’t.

The real question is: “What kind of person will I become now, because of what I’ve done?”

“How can I live in a way that brings light back into the world I once harmed?”

Maybe it means doing everything in your power to fix, make amends, to recompense those you have harmed when doing so wont bring them more pain or reopen old wounds.

Maybe that means devoting your life to helping others avoid the path you took.

Maybe it means showing up—quietly, humbly—as someone who brings kindness, safety, or compassion where you once brought pain.

Maybe it means simply living each day with integrity, no matter who’s watching.

💬 Say This to Yourself—From Strength, Not Shame:

“I did harm.

And I will not pretend otherwise.

But I am not frozen in that version of me.

I can still change. I will change. I am changed. I choose to build, to heal, to serve, and to do good. Not to erase the past—

But to honor the sacred weight of what I carry —by living differently now.”

This is not about being forgiven by others.

You may never be.

This is about living a life that slowly becomes the apology.

One act of courage, kindness, and contribution at a time.

💞 Share the Healing

If this touched you, share it with someone who is holding pain.

Send it to someone who is struggling to forgive—or to someone struggling to forgive themselves.

Understanding, Mercy, Forgiveness and, ultimately, Grace are for ourselves and others are the keys to brining healing into the world.